GUEST POST: My road to Wrestle Queendom

I am a freak (see Figure 1). I don’t start with this to shock but as context, otherwise nothing that follows will seem wondrous.

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Figure 1 – me out of a nutshell

I have spent pretty much all of my life experiencing my freakishness. It has been thrown at me as a compliment and as an insult with mixed success by others, as well as myself. It is rare for me to find somewhere I fit in. Most of the places where I do, were either the places that made me the freak I am (like my parents’ home) or I have changed them to allow me room (most places I have worked). I have dreamed for a long time of a place where shared but constantly challenged values are at its core. Somewhere that those who do not fit in the boxes would be safe in a space where we do not need or enforce boxes. Where there is compassionate communication between peers of all kinds. I call this the Lighthouse. My dream eco-community, full of freaks both human and animal.

I have had peaks and troughs in my life, as have we all. From early 2011 to early 2018 was predominantly a trough. In this time:
– I have experienced high levels of depressive and anxious thought including very frequent thoughts of suicide
– I married the woman I love
– I have mostly done a job that has, in no small part, contributed to the thoughts above
– I have bought a house (as a millennial!)
– I have re-experienced through unsolicited thoughts sexual violence
– I have had so many cat babies (and a pup)
– I have struggled to control self-harming behaviours including cutting, drug use, hitting and unhealthy/disordered eating habits
– Together, my wife and I have found a man who we both love
– I have set the date for my suicide.

The good things are huge but don’t help with the bad things. I can’t look at what I have and feel the levels of contentment I should. That in itself has ruined too many of my days.

Recently, things have started to change. I am being better to myself and making progress. It is too complex for a simple explanation in a blog but things are improving and it goes something like this.

Joy’s journey

Our partner is into professional wrestling.
He shows us WWE Mae Young Classic.
I see Viper (Piper Niven) wrestle for the first time.
For the first time in many years, I feel the need to look after my physical well-being.
We talk to a friend about female wrestlers, he recommends Eve and nags us to go.
We see Viper on a card and even though travelling into London and being in an enclosed space with other people makes me terrified, and we have no money, we buy tickets.

1st time at Eve (12/11/17)
My wife is overcome by PTSD and anxiety related issues on the day and stays home.
I’m even more frightened. But our partner is with me.
We get there and find a safe spot by the wall so I do not have to be surrounded by strangers.
They do the welcome speeches and I know I’m safe.
The wrestling blows my mind. I’m screaming along to wrestlers I’d never even heard of. I didn’t know what the Ace of Eve was but by the end of the night if it isn’t Charlie Morgan I’m going to lose my mind.
I see Viper wrestle an amazing match against Meiko Satomora.
There is a plug for the wrestling training on Sundays, a seed is planted.
When my partner stays to meet wrestlers, I call my wife and tell her how safe she’ll be next time.
Charlie Morgan’s chant is in my head for a week at least.

Due to my paradigm shift in value and mindset catalysed by the Mae Young Classic, Viper and Eve, I take a 6 month secondment from the job that is killing me to do my dream job.

2nd Eve visit (13/01/18)
The three of us attend together.
We go back to the same spot and it already feels like where we belong.
Someone vaping with mint or menthol vape gel is nearby (see Figure 1). I almost faint twice and sit on the floor for a bit.
Even though the wrestling comes into the crowd no one tramples me.
I get back up and we decide to go and stand at the back door.
My view isn’t great and the action is amazing so I stand up as much as I can.
A person in the crowd who has a stool offers me a chance to sit down.
The feeling of being cared for and about is palpable. I feel like one of the gang
I want to buy a Candy Floss T-shirt but feel too shy to approach. Our partner asks for me. She sees me for a person who needs extra care and is immensely kind and gentle to me.
My wife had no flashbacks or anxiety in the whole visit. This is almost unprecedented in our experience of going out to new places together.

We did not have tickets for the February show which is near my birthday.  I work on a show for a different promotion the night after, and all of the promoters are talking excitedly about the goings-on at Eve the previous night. I am so jealous. My birthday present is tickets to the next two shows.

I decide that being uncertainly employed and feeling sane is preferable to remaining in a job that is so damaging to my mental and physical health. I quit my job despite not having a guaranteed job at the end of my 6 month contract.

3rd Eve visit (10/03/2018)
Again, my wife is unable to join us, but this time it is due to her finishing her FINAL submission of her PhD.
We took a very anxious and shy friend in her stead, promising her a safe space.
The, now, usual routine continues but confidence is growing.
We strike up conversations with the people standing behind us, we find wide-spread common areas of interest.
Our friend has to sit for a while and, because I’ve done it, I know she is fine!
I found Viper and Jordynne Grace’s match the most exciting match I had ever seen.
Kay Lee Ray is hurt so Viper is looking after her after the show, so we choose to not disturb her.
I eavesdrop Dann (Read, co-owner and promoter of Eve) talking to a group of women about training, a trickle of water reaches the seed.
I end up chatting to Dann on my own (something impossible so few months before). I mention the fainting incident, he seems genuinely concerned and makes me promise to tell him next time.

I invite several friends to the next show but they are unable, for various reasons, get tickets.

On a difficult morning, walking to work, I plan what my gimmick would be if I was a wrestler.

One day, I notice that I feel sexy. Not every day, not for hours at a time, but I am able to feel sexy. I feel positive about my body.

4th visit to Eve (14/04/20181)
We are very close to the front of the queue this time.
When we are going in and I show my tickets to the man who is normally on merch he says ‘I know you anyway’. I am completely flushed with elation.
All evening, I make eye contact with people from the crowd or security or (referee) Tom or other staff and I see a flicker of recognition. I’m in now – I am definitely in the gang!
Charlie Morgan comes out with a pride flag and I scream myself hoarse.
Livvii Grace and Viper have a great match which further concretes how much I love Viper and how much I need to see more of Livvii.
I listen to (co-owner and promoter) Emily (Read)’s heartfelt and moving speech about self-harm and the need for female role models as I trace my fingers over my own scars.
My wife meets Charlie Morgan and has a beautiful, honest conversation about sexuality and role models. Charlie touches her elbow!
We all meet Viper and she meets every expectation I have. She hugs all of us and we thanked her for being a role model. She is gracious and genuine and inspiring.

The night we get back from this show my wife and I stay up for hours talking about the future. We hadn’t done that in so long. Among other things we discuss, the floor plan for The Lighthouse (which feels tangible for the first time in years), getting healthier, going to training and what our lives will look like soon.
Our partner has a Twitter conversation with Eve that results in #SquadGoals!
I get my contract extended at the theatre.

So here I am today
I am finally accessing therapy – I told them about Eve. They said that ‘it sounds like a wonderful place’
I am the strongest I have been in years and feel fit and confident in my own skin. I bought trousers today (something I previously had not done in at least a year because of the toll it took to have my self-esteem so battered) for the Eve show.

I have made a plan for the future (Wrestle Queendom 2020) that is after my planned date for my suicide.

In conclusion, I may not be much to Eve but Eve is vital to my current life experience. It is not the only contributing factor but it has been a catalyst for good in my life. I cannot recommend this show enough for people like us. It is welcoming to all, but some people who read this have felt a twang as they went. If you did and if you can, come down, we’re waiting with open arms.

 

We are about to set off to Wrestle Queendom… see you on the other side.